Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
you told grandpa to call you daddy
two words...techno handjob
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
