whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
