Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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