Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
