I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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