He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
