fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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