Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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