Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
