last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
