I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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