It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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