Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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