our cab driver is having phone sex.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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