I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
