is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
