Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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