Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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