He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
