just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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