You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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