I hate your face
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
