Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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