yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
