ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
