Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
