I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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