Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
