all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she smelled like a LAN party
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
