its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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