he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
