dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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