I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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