I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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