god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
