Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
