I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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