I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
