Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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