Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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