Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
