i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
