You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
