If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
