I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
