I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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