I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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