listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
