Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
