I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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