Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
