The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
